My Own Queen

I'm not doing this anymore
I won't let myself play the victim
Even if it's in my own unrealistic reality.

I've grown too strong
To fall into this patterned
My own hearts prices sewn up with realistic dreams.

Why I want to fall into the arms of another
Is human but a broken cycle I cannot condone
I won't be a pawn when I can be a queen.

I'm not doing this anymore
Reality has to be where I live
Even as my heart bleeds I know I can keep the pieces together now.

I am my own queen
Strong, even if I am still slightly broken
I will rule my heart soul and world.

The season of joy and laughter

The season of joy and laughter
brings only dark thoughts
of passed by dreams
and broken sobs

In the dark tear spill down
like the drop of rain on a window
sliding to make a
reflective path

So much loss with such joyous gain
memories floating by
like broken promises shredded part
righteous anger burning low
a guttering candle flame

A burden to hard to carry

A love to hard to hold

A hatred to tired to burn

In this season of joy and laughter
my heart is letting going
tears slide down leaving reflective paths
of stories long ago
and not forgotten
but finally
forgiven. 

B/W pictures.

country side blurs past as rain trickles by

lost in thoughts about a world that is dead
feeling has gone from my limbs with
realizations of my past and future

its been so long that being broken is normal
feeling is surreal, like color
when all I've had is black and white pictures.

I am a women who has loved a boy,
left crying tears but so lost that I cannot move on
I always thought we'd end up together
old and bent, smiling in our hearts content
 but the tear that rolls down my cheek is filling
an ocean of dispear and anguish unchecked
by reality.

I am just a girl who's never loved a man
just feel into a broken cycle of tears
an almost lover
a unknown soulmate
broken dreams.

its been so long that being broken is normal
feeling is surreal, like color
when all I've had is black and white pictures.


 

time traveler

laying awake in the dark
stars overhead hidden
with grey clouds
 as dark as my thoughts
as my eyes close its you I see
standing alone staring back
that look that makes me feel
like no matter the day
you can see me
all of me

cant we turn back time
to when it was simple
when we could just lay silent
and every thing we had to say
was said without words
when your lips caressed my neck
and my hands ran across your shoulders

laying awake I can remember this all
as the stars streak across the sky
hidden like my hurt
making storm clouds rain
as tears soak my face
your image is burned into me
a beloved curse

cant we turn back time
just for a day so the lonely goes away
when you made me laugh and smile
how, no matter when
I could call and you'd be there
holding me tight
through tears, fears, and
loss

laying awake I wipe away the tears
another day to remember
the hurt that is left
of how I've never been
enough for you to stay
but I've been kept for those days
you need to remember
an after image
of something timeless
but broken

we cant turn back time
tomorrow hold no answers
but you'll haunt my heart
and in the lonely times
make me wish
I could be a time traveler
drifting back to you for
our lost love.

Night Sky

staring into the night sky I feel consumed
every light-year speeds past me
at atomic levels my body vibrates
holding me together
as I fight to fall apart
the gravitational forces
pressing me to earth
crushing everything, yet nothing
as I am consumed in the stars
wishing to see their birth
in the great explosion
and their death as they
collapse in on themselves
as I do, staring up
into the inky sky
I see the unexplored and
terrifying unknowns
darker and lighter than
even we can imagine
it is mind
boggling
consuming
in
every
way

They say I am waiting for you- 6/17/15

No one holding my heart hostage
except this iron cage I have created
surrounded by a fortress in disrepair
pocked with despair and tears

They all say I am waiting for you
but reality is that I rather be alone
safer then falling down the rabbits hole
to not be caught and crumble again

An iron cage within a broken castle
the anti-fairytale ending
no foreseeable knight
or fairy godmother in my future

Just tears and loneliness
that consume the small smiles
and has faded the light behind my eyes

They say I am waiting for you
but its just easier to be
alone, then broken and alone.

Sinking Ship

In days past we walked down a beach
hand in hand discussing our futures
stars in our eyes as we dreamed

Now the future is here but you are gone
I have not hand to hold
stars have turned to tears

every grain of sand we touched
washed away from the shore to
lay on the bottom of the ocean floor

that is where our star struck dreams lay
left for the fishes and dark
as I sit here alone

I wonder as I walk this beach anew
how my heart is still locked
when I know the key you hold
can stop this clock of flowing tears

In days past we walked down this beach
making promises that we could not keep
yet, I need your hand back in mine

You have been my anchor in the storms
of my past and I am being tossed about
why can't you see I am sinking

I will sink to the bottom of the sea
to find those sunk dreams
if only to feel the memory of your love

heart melting

the melting and hardening of the ice around my soul is deafening
get the creaking and snapping keeps boucing off the inside of my chest
as it heaves
in and out,
out and in,
then stops
then goes
I harden this piece of me over and over again
hoping against all odds that it wont thaw
or snap or crack or whatever it is my soul is doing

like the fissures of glaciers my soul is being carved
not like the elegant sculptures but in a grotest display of defiance
out and in,
in and out,
then goes,
then stops
the very thing that makes me me is this patteren
the idea that to love you is to not have you melts my soul then quick freezes
like permafrost on the roots of the vines that your words are
resting against my soul

leeching away my need to harden myself,
in and out,
out and in,
frozen outside,
but within my soul weeps.

its you I run to

your boggling my brain and addling my wits
leaving me lost in a way that I just don't want to quit
knowing that forever is the game of choice I play
while today is the only world you know

 but there you are
that person i run to
why can't you just not be there

your holding my heart hostage and running away all the same
leaving me lonely in a way that I don't know how to erase
telling me your broken in ways i can not know
while the ties that hold us pull

but there you are
that person I need
why can't you make this go away

your boggling my brain and breaking my heart
leaving my mind in shambles that can't be fixed
knowing, forever knowing that my choice is forever
and you live only for today. 

false hope

your face is haunting me today
as I've lazily gone about my free time

that arrogant tone  you have whispering in my ear
feeling forever stuck in this endless cycle
being on and off again tormented by you

the daydreams crossing my vision leave me hollow
ever wanting you to pine away for me
delusional as every letter we pass breaks my hope
into shattered glass shards at my bare feet

you say you care, that you want to know passion
but it is not me you want, it is not my voice you seek
your vows of sincerity are stark compared to mine

you do not care, not in the way I want
no
not even in the way that I crave or need

yet, you are the first thought I have in the morning,
the moral compass I set my sight on, my light and dark
the very balance I have lost, is within you

but your eyes do not fall on me
the tenor of you voice is not telling me I am okay
it is a dream that I hold too closely to examine
not a dream, but a torturous unrealistic wish
tormenting me with every second I breath.

tattered and shattered

someone says "I love you" in the whispers of the dark
shrouded in its velvet soft cloak of a hushed world
the lingering sounds haunt my soul as the dark
has become oppressive, an the wait for day disastrous

my very soul has been stripped of all the broken pieces left behind
again and again swept into box, over flowing, sharp, jagged, raw
building my shield of smiles and laughs as the memories
shred away my ability to hope, and leave despair to rule my inner thoughts

my dreams, no nightmares leave fresh wound on the delicate lace
that has been left of my essence, to tattered to resist
hating every moment i can not move towards the dawn
trapped in my own endless fight for release of this drawn out longing

break me, over and over, as you forget who I am
buries is the naive personal, left is the hollow
tattered remains of once was, and might never be again
me

2-9-15

When the wind is howling through the trees and scattering the rain across my face
I remember the times we sat in a car locked in embrace, studying our love of water
as our lips met in a quiet lingering passion, while our hands danced around
from hand in hand, to your hands tangled in my hair and caressing my neck
We were practically one person that day
so caught in a moment

now there are just invisible scars hiding under my skin
thin ones that have mended and gashed out whole where my everything was taken away
my mind see these moments in blissful pain, for the memories hurt
but bring back the bitter sweet happiness that once was felt

lying is only easy some days, others I cringe at every reminder thats
scattered like shrapnel  throughout my body
the emoticon that entails your happiness, or the fake laugh out louds
that dot a conversation that is forced and painful every second
because the words I want will never be formed

living in a walking dream, no nightmare
where every thing has a memory
from a green hill in the rain, to a window up high
my everything was poured out and nothing came back

broken and scarred with invisible cuts
the words we type bring tears, but less is worse
being left to float in limbo, forgotten
is more terrifying
than the tears
that fall

looking into myself

Coveting the dream that has been melded into my mind
of a life less burdened and a life more kind
I've sat watching in the shadows as my education fell through cracks
the people who gave up on me, and the ones that gave up everything for me

you cant fight within a system that beats you down
you cant fight a battle that is all around
because though the revolutions starts with one
it takes many to rise, to create the tide
to make change like the leaders we read about on the page
years have gone by with little being done
watching each other in harmony, while killing each other in vain
places in our boxes, kept in the circle, told that our battles are won

Desiring a heritage that is not defined as "white" because
my skin color is not me!My clothes do not make me
who i am. I just want to be.

you cant fight within a system that beats you down
you cant fight a battle unknown

...

looking int he mirror I see a face and eyes that could be a strangers
inside these eyes there are unshed tears and crinkles from smiles
lines left from hours of straining to write anything that makes sense
awareness of my changing mind and world leaving me baffled. 

contemplation in the dark

the need to let everything go comes and goes
as the pressures of the world mount
building mountains from mole hills
this need to be silent forever ebbs and flows

in the light of a full moon my tears are
invisible to everyone except my pillow
this forever fells too lonely to continue
if only I could let it all go and find bliss

the small scars that mare my body remind me
how the days pass by, but never feel happier
than those moments I want to live in
that never come to pass

the unkind thoughts that pass through my head
beat at my resolve to stay, but release is not eminent
too many tears have been invisible
silent  sobs rock me as I contemplate this life
the need to let everything go comes and goes
but the end never seems to come

2-10-15

a piece of my heart is beating
in a rythm that doesn't match
making me disconnected
the rest is trying to pull it together
to find the perfect beat
where thiss rythm can retreat
allowing me to see the feat
a task so small
yet every discord makes me want to cry
to find that rythm that I miss
in a way thats never to be replaced
like the innocence of youth
or the laughter of naivety
in a heap I lay tears spilling
as my heart is tearing apart
from its mismatched beats
torn by the illogical conclusions
of my mind versus my soul