~*~non-existent future ~*~

in the darkness your name plays across my lips
a reminder that my soul has not give up
though my mind tries and my heart breaks

with each passing tick of the clock the burns are deeper
and your careless words leave me reeling
to find where solid ground should be

I want to forget but never regret
to have my way but not be lost
to be seen as everything

but that is not where I stand
I stand alone on a path parrale to yours
that like the tide you rush at me only to leave me alone

stranded sinking in the quicksand of my emotions
caught in the churning of every new thought
of you, of the if's, of a non-existent future

this storm has raged too long and I have tried to let go
but instead I am stuck drowning indefinitely
a lost caught to the happy and sane

mourning a lost already a decade old
as the wounds that never healed are repeated
scratched raw by words you do not care you said

I am searching for the footing you tell me to have
to be firm and strong, yet you pull the wolrd out from
underneath me with the slightest phrases

contradiction after contradiction as you push me away
but ask why I have left for so long
in the wake of your indifference

I wish to forget but not regret
to be seen for what I am and could offer
to be your everything

but that is not to be for I am your nothing
a collision with a paralle line
never meant to be

turning of a season

the changing season bring a changing heart
as I can no longer try to prophesies
the days where I will smile

the need to feel something is overwhelmed
with the urge to be more than the second thought
sliding from your minds eye

As the leafs turn gold and become brittle master peices
so to my heart forms cracks that
with the first rainning tears will wither  away

the wishing and wanting and needing is all so much effort gone
like the morning sunlights bright rays in winter, yet summers beginning
will not find this mended half the way of the leafs

and still the turning of the season completes the cycle
from fear to love to pleasure to pain and back to the seeds of longing hope
that one day the bloom will not fade as the leaves in the autumn sun

wisp of wishes

Daydreaming of the perfect life we'd have with the what ifs
Silently crying tearless sobs at a wisp of nothing but wishes
My heart aching to be saying its whole once again

I've been put back together too many times with too many tears
To feel more than ragtag and burnt out like a dead bulb
undergoing this affliction called hope again, like the gripe of insanity is setting in


Wisp of wishes of the things that never will be
sounding off the walls of doubts and failures from past to present
whispers multiplied by every unsaid word
the end is inevitable with  forever that speaks louder still

stars in never land

staring down this rabbit hole again
knowing the beginning and the end at one time
seeing the pieces implode before they can explode

we say its nothing more than this moment
staring at stars that we know reflect back
everything we have swore to forget

can I just hold your hand and lean on your shoulder
or will the world unravel in that instant I forget
that our story is in a never land that no can forget
we say one thing and mean another while whistling our tune
racing away like the tortise yet we can never win
I've fallen down this rabbit hole and lost sight again

staring at the stars refected back to me I can see the balance tipping
your hearts not mine to take or give or ask to have or hold
we are just the comforts of this world that neither has found to love
so can  lean on your shoulder and know this never land is safe
or will I ride through this happenstance alone 

tiny little secret

this tiny little secret seems to engulf my mind
wondering when the world will tilt and take it away
memories are forever, till you hide them away
but this will not be hidden away, or masked
how can something so trivial fill me with doubts
the who and what and when of me is in jeopardy
forever, never, today, tomorrow, now
this tiny little secret is screaming to be acknowledged
creating a whirlpool of thoughts and dreams
draining round and round and again
left in the aftermath of my internal battles
the past is never as far as we wish yet
the future is streaming with unknown ripples
fighting to forget this past is futile
needing to find acceptance and move past it all
but the tomorrow, now and yesterdays won't forge ahead
they are stuck in this tiny little secrets obsession
swirling around in my head screaming to be heard
yet I smile silently and continue on
improvising the meaning of acceptance

flaws : oringinally posted 7/21/07

these string that hold me together slowly are unwinding
each fatal flaw is flowing like water off a cliff
I've dived head first into an unknown cry a war song
unraveling every misconception and proving my points
i have fallen apart and been put back together the wrong way
not who i was not who i am just being lost in translation

My Haunting ending: oringally posted 7/10/07

The loneliness inside of me grows as each fortification crumbles,
Holding no peace for my wretched heart,
Tears slide down my cheeks as a sign that tomorrow will not come,
The invisible blade is held above my bosom ready to strike,
A wretched soul tattered with no hopes of relief from its internal hemorrhaging
Releasing this eternal blade forever reliving me of heartache and sorrows, to just live
One last sorrowful smile i will grace you with and haunt you till life's end

Moon Lite Dancer : originally posted 11/25/06

~Moon lite Dancer~
moving with sounds no one can hear
sweet melodies rocking my body
twirling in utter joy of life

soft pastels painting my soul
covering a canvas as i move
smiling to the heaven's stars

moonlight softening my path
smooth movements overlapping
moving passing effortlessly

enjoying being lost in the sensation
missing the freedom of flight
the moments of dancing

Lost to the white: Originally posted 11/22/06

~Lost to the White~
so confused by this life
living is jest not that important anymore
walking as blank as a brand new canvas
someone paint my life into being
create colors in this black and white sketch
bring life excitement and pleasure
not pain and hate
someone bring me life
hold me tight as i forget to breath
blank as a white canvas in a white room
lost to the implications of sterility
jaded beyond all repair
so confused is my soul
black bleeding white
white bleeding black
battling within but never telling
so confused beyond any return
lost to the sterility of hopelessness

unknown

Yes no maybe.

No yes maybe

Maybe

Lost in this broken cycle 

Consumed in my own fears

Maybe 

No yea maybe

Yes no maybe 

Shared my thoughts 

And give back the same broken cycle

Yes 

No

Maybe

~Future in the Stars~ originally written 11-22-06

~Future in the Stars~
in the stars lays a future
untested like the deep sea
 untamed like the lion
timid as the bird

my destiny lays before me
planned within uncharted waters
laying dormant till I'm called
waiting for the stars to sing

in the stars lays a future
not dark or light in nature
hidden beneath the currents
I'm charted to sail this path unknown

Crystal Balls, Tarot Cards and Psychics

find me a crystal ball to tell me what to do
tarot cards to read me my past and present
and a psychic to reveal to me your thoughts
discover how I feel by looking in my eyes
I'm exposed down to my core
despite it all you are only partly mine
in my heart I know there is something
no crystal ball or tarot cards can change that
if only you saw it as I do
felt it in the ways I have
needing as I do

Going mad

Driving myself mad with trying for something
That something I know I can't have
Putting myself at your mercy

Heaven forbid you make your own choices
So that I can have closure or hope
This delusion is getting harder

It's harder to see and hear and feel when your there
Signals are lost in translation
This grey zones broken

Cosmic Collision

Fighting the urges and need to be part of you
dreaming that you will look me in the eyes and see
that in the storm surrounding my soul we are connected

Linked in a cosmic collision like Thea and Gaia
doomed to collide and become one whole
eternally destined to ruin each other and leave a greater being behind

Deprived of this ethereal dream I crave to be real
my soul is slipping away as the sand slides from the beach on a wave
forever drowning at the depths of the black abyss, my broken heart

Fleeing

Your never going to be mine so why cry
Why let the scars even think of forming
You will be my everything without being there
Never knowing how much you meant
I'm not willing to loss all you do give me

We travel this life side by side
Yet our paths are world apart
You will be my everything without giving anything
The small things are so much better than the big

Unshed tears in my eyes as realizations creeping up
Haunting my every thought of how I need you
You are everything I want and need
That is not meant to be
so I flee
Hiding away the pain
The needs
Hurts
Tears
I Just wanted to love again
To be in your arms
To be understood

Ill take what I can get
Kind looks and sweet words
Breaking me slowly
IT'S Better than shattering

I am fleeing from truth
Consumed by the dreams
Forgive me for my want
Don't go away
Never
Forget
Me

I Concede

my mental fighting is done, I have just given in
I will take what I have and leave the rest to fate
my plans and stars never align with my heart
the tatters of my dreams I wear as reminders

Like the moth to a flame I will be drawn in
addicted to something that I am unable to describe
the fight to hold on to this feeling has run me ragged
I concede, your way was always the better choice

laying here wishing to be miles away
heart scarring and mind lost in a unlikely dream
wrapped up my need for the crazy, but knowing
that I will always choose safe

my needs and wishes not being meet this has become the norm
my acceptance hurts now, but later I will smile
for those we let go might come back
back to give more next time
or break me for the final time

Tides

the tearing of my dreams is like the pull of the oceans low tide
dragging with it every emotion in its path leaving all crushed
tumbled into sand as fine as salt, like the tracks left from tears
raw and sharp when fresh formed, but over time smoothed and whittled
broken in a way that is hard to put back together because of the missing parts
pulled to sea by the ocean and never returned to their origins

Craziness

I'll spend my life heartbroken
reaching for a love that has never been possible
hating that I am trapped in a fatal fantasy

not a single soul can reach inside
the walls I created over and over again
built to never crumble again

been used a time one to many
should have known that craziness causes me to bleed
pouring the toxic words you said to me on the wounds

I'll spend my life shattered
unable to love to the full extent I was before
hating that you've taken that special place forever

Knots

breaking my heart over and over
breathing is so much harder when your gone
even though you don't know it
your words create emotions I try to ignore
but I am tied in knots trying to forget them
for every one untied you create 10 more
unknowing that you have broken my soul
into a million pieces once again
my heart can not beat and my brain is starving
falling over and over again for your eyes
wishing that you'd see the unknown broken promises
creating holes in my being
cutting me down to a wisp
not enough air to survive
breaking over and
over
a
g
a
i
n
.

If I say it what will you tell me?

I know I'm hard to deal with
You have the patience of a saint
My issues out weigh my sanity
these flaws crisscross my skin
like tattoos marking me badly

I can't take the what ifs anymore
I want to love you but I am terrified
Gave everything one too many times
the burn marks scared my heart hard

I know the uncertainty of it all
Your logic filling in the blanks
counting the ways we will break
falling is impossibly possible

I know I'm hard to deal with
Your everything I need forever
I'm fighting the need to tell you
for your heart is hidden to me
 Just needing your arms around me 

Can you tell me...

can you tell me I'm yours
break down and give in
I am waiting for your hand

Can you tell me I'm wrong
that tomorrow I wont be
hanging on

Hanging on to the hope
the dream and the wishes

waiting for your words
to know I am here
not lost amongst the living

can you tell me I'm yours
or are the words just a dream
never to be shared

Can you tell me I'm wrong
that tomorrow I wont be
hanging on

Hanging on to the desire
the feeling that we are forever connected

Can you tell me I'm yours
give in and say the words
"I am yours forever"

tomorrow or forever

How long with I choose to wait
till my soul is crushed and my heart shattered
or will I let you go and deal with the peices of me left

You say you want the world to be one way
though your actions bring down the rains
while all we need is sunshine to light the way

Time flys by as I wait for something that might never be
hope is fleeing as I stare into the void
you keep bleeding my soul dry as the time flys by

Your broken messages and backwards action leave me breathless
wanting more needing everything I know you have
but are still unable to give

How I wish I would wait and be patient
but my being is spining round too lost to know
how long will I wait, tomorrow or forever, who knows

Supposedly Mr. Right

so where is the elusive love I am told I can find
like the songs on the radio tell me
This person I am meant to be with is supposedly somewhere
yet no matter where I turn I can only see you

Love isn't supposed to make you feel broken
over and over again, but thats all I know
a constant feeling of failure to meet the expectations
never being enough for that person who's supposedly my completion

so where are the roses, chocolates and happy smiles
my mother tries to explain to me I should, will have
these small mementos that are supposed to hold meanings of love
that are always left shattered on the floor or boxed away with my shame

Love isn't supposed to cause tears after every interaction
leaving me to feel emotionally battered because im not enough
again and again told Im not worth it just not in so many words
every action tears me apart and i remember why i never came back the last time

so where is the person to hold me tight at night when the world closes in on me
this elusive figure that should mend my hurts, sarrows and share my joys
when will I be a good enough reason to be happpy
why can't you disappear from my heart so these supposedly's become reality