tornados and hope

A whirlwind of thoughts, sounds, emotions
spiraling around the chaos in my mind
can't you see the scars?
These battle marks are deep yet you getting in
past the walls I have learned to have
I haven't wanted or longed for so
many passing phases of the moon and sun
can't you see the fear in my mind?
How my heart can not be let loose to meet you
not yet.
Like a tornado, out of control I am trying
trying to hold on to this anxiety and worry
today you hold me but tomorrow will you be there?
I can't seem to let go of the fear
but your smile and touch drive far off like the
sun burns away the fog.
Can I trust you?
I wish I knew how to breath it all in and
savor the moments of no fear.
Please see I am trying.
I won't give up yet
I am trying to hope
to dream again.

Truths and a lie

Truth
one word
that defines everything
One
little word
that can destroy
Or
one little
word that defines
Defines
not just
you, but all
all
that will
come today and tomorrow
Truth
I am
broken in pieces
Very
jagged ones
that have no match
Truth
I have
found my one
Lies
fill me
with tears and dread
Hope
has lead
me to hang on
Truth
you have
moved on in life
we
are not
meant to be
but
hearts know
no bounds or borders
hearts
break and
heal leaving scars
scars
that reopen
leaving me more broken
over
and over
and over again
Truth
I will
not love another
not
the way
I want to
I'm
too broken
to give myself away
too
shattered  to
put back together
Truth 

Arlove.

In this world you were an adventurer 
a wandering naturalist reveling in Earths glory. 
I watched you hike down paths of towering sequoia 
and pine tress centuries older and pass on your love to me

Every river I walk by
Every rock I see
Every tree I pass
I will see you forever.

Your spirit instilled in me curiosity and perseverance. 
Though you were small your smile and
soul shone so bright you could drive away the rain. 
You could make every mountain a story of magnificent proportions 
and every stitch of our purple afghan a loving hug.

My whole life you inspired me and passed your love to me 
with science,religion, and fantasy stories.
You made the world seem conquerable even in the shadows of your life 
you found happiness.

Every mountain I pass will be ours to explore.
Every trail needing walking I will take you with.
Every windy day I will look to the sky and ask
you if its a north wind you sent.
Forever you will be with me.   

Mispainted butterfly-1/15/16

I am feeling so broken
so frail and obscene 
like the mispainted butterfly
that flys to our feet
to be crushed by the
weight of its self imposed
hated
that we taught is with pictures
of others so beautifully spotted
like that poor unique butterfly
we all have a picture
"I was suppose to be perfect"
"I was not to fail"
I was, I was we say time and again
as tears well at the corner of our eyes
but what we can not see is the
little girls eyes and the quietly spoken words
of wonder from those see us
" Isn't she beauitful"
"Isn't he strong"
"I want to be them when I am all grown"
In the tears and the sorrow do not forget
who we live for.
we do not live for praise and glory
but to be an example to the next
the next generation that will inspire
a brighter world
where unique is not ugly, or stupid, or wrong
but loved and cherished in all like a wondrous song.

My Own Queen

I'm not doing this anymore
I won't let myself play the victim
Even if it's in my own unrealistic reality.

I've grown too strong
To fall into this patterned
My own hearts prices sewn up with realistic dreams.

Why I want to fall into the arms of another
Is human but a broken cycle I cannot condone
I won't be a pawn when I can be a queen.

I'm not doing this anymore
Reality has to be where I live
Even as my heart bleeds I know I can keep the pieces together now.

I am my own queen
Strong, even if I am still slightly broken
I will rule my heart soul and world.

The season of joy and laughter

The season of joy and laughter
brings only dark thoughts
of passed by dreams
and broken sobs

In the dark tear spill down
like the drop of rain on a window
sliding to make a
reflective path

So much loss with such joyous gain
memories floating by
like broken promises shredded part
righteous anger burning low
a guttering candle flame

A burden to hard to carry

A love to hard to hold

A hatred to tired to burn

In this season of joy and laughter
my heart is letting going
tears slide down leaving reflective paths
of stories long ago
and not forgotten
but finally
forgiven. 

B/W pictures.

country side blurs past as rain trickles by

lost in thoughts about a world that is dead
feeling has gone from my limbs with
realizations of my past and future

its been so long that being broken is normal
feeling is surreal, like color
when all I've had is black and white pictures.

I am a women who has loved a boy,
left crying tears but so lost that I cannot move on
I always thought we'd end up together
old and bent, smiling in our hearts content
 but the tear that rolls down my cheek is filling
an ocean of dispear and anguish unchecked
by reality.

I am just a girl who's never loved a man
just feel into a broken cycle of tears
an almost lover
a unknown soulmate
broken dreams.

its been so long that being broken is normal
feeling is surreal, like color
when all I've had is black and white pictures.